It’s that time of year again!
I spent many years in The Netherlands where 25 and 26 December were somewhat low key. Until around the early 2000’s when Christmas trees and Turkey’s caught on. The Dutch had a very meaningful tradition Sinta Klaas 5 and 6 December. This entailed very humble gifts and handwritten poems and Sint himself riding into town (allegedly from Spain) on a white horse.
I arrived back in the UK 9 years ago and as someone who tries to live in the ‘here and now’, I've wrestled with the effects, this so called ‘special day’ has on many people. How it consumes many people’s planning and conversation for about one quarter of the year!
Fast forward to 2024, I work with couples and individuals in my Counselling practice. Often in November they start to show up with a pained look. “Christmas is so much stress, it’s causing us to fight”, “my partner doesn’t want to go here/there with me”, “I just can’t decide what to do”
I listen to my clients as they sit with their distress, I desperately hold back with disclosing my opinions about the whole shabang. Disclosing is not helpful unless it has therapeutic value. I might invite a new perspective for example around choices and saying NO that are useful, which I've outlined below:.
Here are the top 5 common sticking points:
o Each person is making assumptions about what the other one wants
o Obligation is so entrenched that to make a choice is tantamount to upsetting everyone
o Not daring to ‘do it’ differently
o Presents !! When it becomes an obligation and you end up broke
o Disappointment, that the planning it is not a merry process
We have some amazing insights as I invite clients to describe their own meaning of Christmas; How meaningful are their current traditions? Does it fit with who they are now? How healthy are the family relationships that they are trying to massage. This process can be revelatory, as people hear themselves speaking out loud, they begin to examine what is valid for them now.
A few perspectives which might restore some control of the runaway sleigh;
Listen to each other
We can be surprised by what we hear when we listen to our own and our partners; desires, needs and feelings about this time of year. It’s an opportunity to really get the parts that are most important to them, when we listen and understand we deepen connection. Maybe that feeling of family and Christmas trees elicits the nostalgia of cosyness and family gatherings, or the polar opposite!
Invitation not assumption
“But you know you are welcome at my Mum’s”
“We always do it like that”
How do you and your dear ones invite each other? Personally, I never feel really welcomed if I’m invited second hand or if someone is just assuming. Be clear about who is invited, your partner may well be feeling left out. The language of invitation has the effect of making someone feel valued.
Choices
Are you being dragged along by someone else? Saying YES when we mean NO, breeds resentment, not a great quality in a relationship. Can you make a choice and stand behind it?
This is where the practice of Focusing can help.
Pause with the issue, or resentment or conflict: how is your body responding? What is your internal reaction? Even though it might be a tricky, can you just be with it. This can reveal some underlying and often unheard emotions, needs or reactions. Check out my video, for a guided process
Make your own Meaning
Now you are adult, maybe it’s time to switch it up to meet your own needs. Perhaps a week off work is just the right time to clean out the cupboards or take longer walks, honour that and build the rest of it around what feels right for you, whilst considering the others involved.
I learned about the ancient traditions
It’s helped me so much by exploring what the origins of some of the traditions are, like how our ancestors tuned in to the wheel of the year. (www.TheWayoftheBuzzard.com)
When people lived more simply and communally, there was a deep understanding of the value of each season. YULE TIDE is the window between the Solstice (meaning sun stops) on 21 December until about 4 days later as we experience the shortest, darkest days. No wonder people switch on fairy lights and adorn houses with glittery things. Traditionally people feasted together to celebrate the return of the light – a great reason to celebrate as incrementally the days become longer.
I Would love to hear your experiences and if this resonates with you.