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Imposter Syndrome (I.S.)

What is it?

It’s a feeling, an emotion or a reaction, It was first researched in the 1970’ s by Clance and Imes (1). Although they found that it occurred often in high achieving women, it can happen to just about anyone.

It is felt at a physical/emotional level in symptoms such as anxiety, panic and sleeplessness. We are also prone to strong feelings of self-doubt, or feeling like a fraud or any of the 4 P’s: perfectionism, procrastination, paralysis or people pleasing (2). On the horizon of our life, it can hold us back from fulfilling our dreams and aspirations.

It often occurs in situations where we actually have achieved, for example we got a promotion, we’re teaching a class, or have received an accolade.

What causes the feelings?

Fear seems to be a driver, in varying degrees. The fear of exposing ourselves, fear of being seen, being big-headed, making a mistake, looking stupid. Imagining that someone will lift the veil and see that you are nervous as you taking your novice steps, in my case as a teacher or public speaker.

It’s common amongst yoga teachers, perhaps it’s because we carry 4000 years of tradition on our shoulders and we don’t want to get it wrong.  Even as an experienced yoga teacher, my doubts would still take hold; ‘I’ll go blank’, “I’ll make a fool of myself’ it happened especially when I was teaching something new. As an antidote, I was always aware that a beautiful guided relaxation could rescue almost any situation.

I.S. can be a product of old belief systems from childhood or family norms; “children should be seen and not heard”, “don’t show off”.  A child who is not praised for best effort might hold on to an internalized message that they must always strive to do better. Our inner critic starts to party, goading us with ‘who do you think you are?’, ‘any moment now they’ll realise I don’t know’ What are the messages from your own inner critic?

“Everyone experiences Imposterism (as it’s also known)”, says Jordan Peterson (3). “Because when you take a step into a new arena, you are in that moment an imposter”. You have to begin somewhere and build experience but are there tools that can help?

So, what can we do about it?

Brene Brown (4) in her book Daring Greatly (2015), invites us to be courageous; to show up and let ourselves be seen. I recognize this, I’ve gritted my teeth and pushed myself out of my comfort zone and continue to do so as I know it’s the only way to grow. I agree with Susan Weinschenk (5) who says it’s important to have practices that keep you centred and grounded. My regular Meditation, Yoga support me with my wobbles and when I’m on a new or bigger stage a drop of Bach’s Rescue Remedy comes along too. Focusing is a practice that I teach and turn to in my own life to deal with any emotions, situations or feelings that need my attention. Ann Weiser Cornell (6) describes how we might explore Imposter Syndrome through the lens of Focusing.

What else can you do?

Ellen Hendriksen (7) suggests “remind yourself often of your achievements, work with a mentor or share your concerns with a friend”. A mantra or affirmation helps me to ground and divert my inner critic, I might say to myself: “if my audience learns just one gem today, it’s worth it” or I wonder if any of my audience might be feeling like an imposter today? I have learned that people respond to authenticity, so it’s ok just to be me and I can love myself too even if I make a mistake.

Join me for a free online session where we will explore Imposter Syndrome through the lens of Focusing:

Register here: https://calendly.com/paulacharnley/taste_of_focusing

References:

1. Clance, PR / Imes, SA https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1979-26502-001
2. 4 Ps https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/imposter-syndrome
3. Jordan Peterson https://youtu.be/6lXopPeqiBM?si=xMEhQ8qIMRLE7YFE
4. Brene Brown: Daring Greatly (Penguin Life, 2015)
5. Susan Weinschenk Ph.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-wise/201803/have-you-experienced-the-imposter-syndrome
6. Ann Weiser Cornell https://focusingresources.com/2018/01/12/how-to-be-a-perfect-imposter/
7. Ellen Hendriksen PHD Psych (2017) Ellen Hendriksen https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-to-be-yourself/201708/nine-ways-to-fight-impostor-syndrome

Going with the Flow, is it serving you?

“I’m really easy going” is something that I hear quite often in Counselling sessions. Yet it hasn’t delivered the positive and easy life that might be expected. It often comes up from one partner in Couples Counselling when the relationship has reached a crisis point and they have reached out to me for support.

Some of the scenarios described are; “I just go with the flow, whatever he/she wants”, “I don’t mind that I don’t get any time for myself” or “I just watch what my wife wants to watch on the TV even though it’s not really my thing”.

The always easy-going persona suggests surrender, laying down, becoming a doormat. Sooner or later going with the flow is accompanied by an empty feeling, which we might try to fill up with addictions or busyness. This is the opposite of the healthy ‘Flow’ which Csikszentmihalyi defined as being at one with everything or Peak Experience.

In a relationship always going with the flow, places us in a disempowered position, it can feel like we just don’t matter. In my own experience this manifested in relationships as not speaking up, or voicing my opinion. My ‘Felt Sense’ or embodied experience, of those situations was awkwardness, tension, anger, frustration and resentment. Like a pressure cooker needing to let off steam, when this erupted it was often conflictual.

Psychotherapy, Focusing, reading, yoga, and other embodied practices, raised my awareness and helped me to connect with a healthier personal power. Although I do feel that I’ll need to be aware of it lifelong as it was a deeply ingrained pattern from my developmental years.  These are three of my 3 key learnings, which I’ll discuss in more detail below.

1. Developing healthy boundaries
2. Developing an awareness of my own psychological needs
3. Attending to the Fawn response

1. Developing healthy boundaries

To speak up, have an opinion, stand your ground or pushback, can feel risky. We feel that it may come at a cost, what if my partner gets mad or rejects me? Often there is an inbalance that has been neglected:  “I’m working 50 hours a week with no time for a hobby, whilst my wife gets to see her friends twice a week”. It’s about being brave, having the conversations that lead to connection and listening. Pete Walker (1) says “Boundaries are about protecting something that is important to us” in this case our time for rest and relaxation. When we continually give in, we lose our own sense of identity.

A change of habits begins with awareness. Notice how you feel, the next time you say yes when internally it’s a NO. Psychotherapy woke me up to the concept that having boundaries is a strength. Focusing  helped me further to turn towards these feelings and help to know how to manage them. Non Violent Communication (NVC) is a skill which helps you to develop healthy boundaries, check this video about boundaries from Marianne Cup of Empathy

2.Developing an awareness of our own psychological needs

In developmental stages of childhood our needs can get shut down. Let’s say our mother has a lot of children or is not emotionally responsive to us. When our needs for example for comfort or reassurance are not met, we begin to adapt, to swallow our needs, so that we fit in to our environment. We internalize the message that our needs are not important, so we become the people pleaser, the one who takes care of others, we might judge our needs as being too needy and therefore stifle them.

A common need that goes unmet between couples, is that of having time for our own interests. Couples arrive in Counselling having invested a lot of time being a family and neglecting a key ingredient that makes them feel alive for example hobbies or time with friends.

I remember when learning NVC that I discovered a way to ask for personal space. For example, at a family event explaining to my partner that I was just going to take a walk for an hour. When the other person is not left guessing about your emotional state it’s much easier for them to cope with. It feels empowering to make a choice that meets our need.

Identifying our feelings and needs is a foundation of NVC, take a look at this from Marshall Rozenberg

As we practice tuning in to our needs it becomes easier to react in the moment. Focusing shows us how to tune in to the ‘Felt Sense’ Let’s say I’ve had a long day at work and I’m invited out. I pause with that, how does my body respond, there is an internal knowing and maybe the ‘stay home and rest’ answer feels just right’. This is a clip from Ann Weiser Cornell which describes learning to attune to our needs.

3.Fawn response

Alarm bells ring when I hear one part of a couple say; ‘I just went along with it’ ‘I don’t do anything for myself’ I consider whether this is the Fawn response with which Pete Walker expanded the Fight, Flight and Flee responses to fear and trauma. When a child feels its safety is in danger it has to develop adaptive behaviour in an attempt to continue meeting its basic needs. The Fawn response describes the smiley, pleasing always agreeable no matter the circumstances persona. This develops into a non-authentic self as we fawn around other people and often deny our own needs, like the need to be able to say no. Pete Walker says his fawning pattern was so ingrained that he would say ‘sorry’ to an inanimate object as he bumped into it. My mother positively encouraged my Fawn response ‘Just humour him’ so as not to upset my father, she was invested in keeping the peace at all costs.

Working with a psychotherapist helps to create a safe environment in which we can explore our patterns of behaviour. With psychological reflection and commitment, we are able to transform the Fawn response, so that we may develop healthy boundaries, assert our needs whilst still being able to care for others.

Easy going-ness is a very broad subject and touches on many psychological threads. I have addressed just 3 possibilities:  Developing healthy boundaries, Being aware of your own needs and The Fawn response. I’ve talked about how it impacted my life and how I believed that change was possible. I’ve mentioned just some of the skills which have helped me maintain an ability to go with the flow whilst attending to my needs, create healthy boundaries and notice when I may not be showing up as the authentic me.

I’d love to hear your thoughts & feelings on this, feel free to comment below

If any of this resonates with you and you would like to work with me there are several options:

Book a 1 to 1 Counselling or Focusing Session

Attend my Introductory Level Focusing Course

Register for a free ‘Taste of Focusing Session’

Book here

Watch my Focusing Videos

Access my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/PaulaCharnleyEmbodiedTransformation

Email me : info@paulacharnley.com

Check out upcoming events www.paulacharnley.com

References

Pete Walker : Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving (2013)

It makes me smile when I think about my dear cat Yildiz having her own Zoom Consultation last week. Though I mostly did the talking for her, she did make an appearance. She’s had some health issues for about a year; more recently it’s been excessive urinating & drinking, she’s also less active and seems a bit miserable. Our local vets who have been very kind and helpful, diagnosed her with diabetes due to high blood sugar. I’m also trialing the raw food option especially for cats i.e more protein and less carbs which cats don’t need. The local vet finally suggested injecting insulin twice a day, possibly for the rest of her life! Now anyone who knows my Yildiz, who I rarely pick up as she wriggles and scratches, knows that this is probably not going to work for us.

I’m a holistic therapist and I’ve been helped greatly by the Functional Medicine approach so I did a search for a holistic vet.  I have had excellent benefits from homeopathic remedies myself; Arnica for cuts, bruises & to release the shock of an accident. For example I recently broke my little toe, swallowed some Homeopathic Arnica capsules for 24 hours, after which my toe was well on its healing way. Although Arnica is widely for sale in the UK, it seems its healing powers are a well-kept secret. Other standards in my healing kit; Calendula for wounds and Echinacea to boost my immune system. Consultations with my own homeopath helped me to quickly recover from a Thyroid imbalance during the hot summer of 2018 and to recover from the shock and grief after losing a job in 2020. Each homeopathic consultation is like going on a journey, taking into account the whole or holistic life picture this includes current stresses, worries, changes and environment. It is used widely for animals and is found to be effective, they can’t turn around & say “pawh, it’s just the placebo effect”.

A search led me to holistic vet Vicky – she’s a busy professional, I had to wait 6 weeks for our consultation. Vicky unpicked my cat’s story. She explored: behaviours, timelines, & personality. I realized Yildiz & I are somewhat alike: she’s independent, knows what she likes, and can be spiky oh yes and a bit lazy but after all she is a cat. Vicky also explored grief and separation as possible causes of distress due to my absences.

A  homeopathy consultation usually comes with an extra bonus; that’s the remedy that is carefully selected as the therapist interprets the complete picture. Yildiz takes the drops of liquid in her water, I’m  monitoring changes and will feedback to Vicky, first signs indicate that she seemed a little perkier.

I’d love to hear  your experiences of homeopathic remedies that you use or your experience with homeopathy & your pets. Share your comments below.

Focusing is a natural phenomenon that we experience if we give ourself time to pause in the moment.

Eugene Gendlin, Philosopher and Psychologist noticed this pause  or sensing into during his research  in the late 1950’s. Those people that had more lasting effect from Therapy instinctively took the time to feel or sense into their body to find the description that fitted in that moment. This was my experience too & why I continue to use Focusing in my daily life.

”  If you go there with your awareness and stay there or return there, that is all it needs; it will do the rest for itself… it needs you there, and that is all it needs.” Eugene Gendlin 

In my Focusing course I teach the steps which you can practice on your own or together with a Focusing Partner.

The process guides you towards pausing, developing an inner listening, become familiar with the ‘Felt Sense’ of just what is there in the moment and inviting it just to be, or to express what it needs to. This is  a really useful and embodied method to manage emotions, physical pain or past trauma without being overwhelmed by it.

Take Anxiety as  an example, someone sitting in front of me may describe ‘My Anxiety’ this is their familiar labelling, pattern, habitual way of thinking. Let’s be with that in a fresh way & see what we notice. Very often they will really feel the sensations , at the very least a churning stomach & restlessness. This brings so much more information than simply a label which the mind has decided upon. As we stay with the Focusing process, we may feel those sensations transform and at least we have developed a way to listen deeper.

” A felt sense is a freshly forming wholistic sense of a situation that has a ‘more than words can say quality to it ”  Ann Weiser Cornell

Do you want to learn Focusing?

check out my events page or book now:  https://calendly.com/paulacharnley/introduction-to-focusing-level-1-online

Embodied Transformation

This phrase speaks to me from my own experience.

I first began practicing yoga in the late 90’s. Slowly I became more aware how yoga affected me. It wasn’t a supple body or sense of calm, it was more like a revelation of what my physical body was capable of and how this positively affected my mind. At the start as I dipped my toe in, I realised that just 10 minutes of yoga in the morning gave me a feeling of well being the whole day long.

In the early 2000’s I began having Psychotherapy, it was the therapists who used a mind body approach that came along on my path. They encouraged me to sense into a situation, an old story or experience. Yes! I said I can feel it, perhaps it was a tightening in the throat as I remembered how my voice had been stunted in my teenage years.

I realised that the practices I was drawn to Kripalu Yoga in which I certified as a teacher in 2003, Focusing and Movement Shiatsu They all have something in common, there is permission to remain with what is there, not to judge, to explore and maybe to invite what is needed.

From there the phrase Embodied Transformation encompasses my own transformation and when working with others. As Eugene Gendlin discovered when the feeling or thought was grounded in a Felt Sense , there was more opportunity for any change to become embodied.

Embodiment isn’t about sitting in the head and paying attention to the part of you we call the body—it’s about fully inhabiting the intelligence of the body and attuning to the world through it. ( Philip Shepherd)