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A friend recently described the area of Olympos/Çirali on the South Coast of Turkey as a Mystery School. It has drawn me back again and again for over 30 years. I go there to re-charge, rest, see my friends, and to commune with the mountains, the pine trees, and the sparkling turquoise sea. The mysterious ancient city of Olympos sits in a valley on the route of the Lycian Way. Sarcophogi there have been dated at 400BC. Olympos nestles at one end of the 3km turtle beach and the eternal flame burns on the mountain at the other end.

In September 2022, I did a web search to see if there were any Focusers active in Turkey. My mouth fell open as the link revealed a recent Focusing retreat in the Olympos Valley hosted by Marta Fabregat. Not only is Marta a BFA member teacher, she had been my second mentor for my Practitioner training in 2021. I immediately and excitedly emailed her, and said “Marta, next time you offer the retreat I would love to join you.” Fast Forward to ‘The Path of the Sensing Being,’ May 16-19^th, 2024

Excitedly I arrived at the ‘Pension Köy Evi’ (The Village House) in Olympos. I was open to things unfolding and didn’t really know what to expect. Marta and her group of 4 four Irish and  one Turkish woman arrived back from Focusing in the ancient city of Olympos to greet me. They had been here for four days as part of their Professional/Practitioner training.

Our classroom on day one, ‘the kösk’, is my idea of paradise, combining my love of Turkish culture and Focusing. I was intrigued  how this had all come about. Ceren Can (pronounced Jeren Jan) has studied the Skills course with Marta and was here on the Practitioner training. She had courageously invited four friends from Ankara and Istanbul who were new to Focusing. Ceren told me “I was so into personal development for years, like therapy, etc. When I came across Focusing I found it a very comprehensive method, basic yet powerful. Except for my yoga practice which continues, I realised that I didn’t need the other methods that I had learnt.”

We began day one with an attunement which revealed our expectations for the three days to come. Nazli expressed her concerns “is it something spiritual, or hippy?” Marta brings Focusing in a flowing and experiential way which lends itself to the relaxed atmosphere we were in. Her teaching reveals the Focusing process by just being there in the circle and sharing. She takes space to pause as someone shares and will reflect and accompany them on their journey until they reach a natural stopping place. At moments she’d invite more experienced Focusers to share their understanding of the Focusing process for example: ‘Felt Sense’ or Companioning. I experienced this as a glue which formed the community during our days together. Setenay said “There is so much information here about being human; to be heard, to be in the moment and in the body, and at the same time not being structured.”

In this land of Rumi, The Turkish  women not only spoke excellent English but were able to express their feelings in beautiful and poetic metaphor “It’s like a small flower has been planted in my body and I hope it will grow” (Setenay).

In a country that values philosophy – Sevde, a Philosophy PhD student says that “when working with concept and argumentation there is usually not much room for sensation. Here I have the ability to communicate in a non-conceptual way and to be understood.”

As we strolled in the May sunshine through the ancient valley of Olympos we were literally walking the path of the sensing being. I am not alone in feeling how the people from ancient civilizations walked the brown earth and marble paths, stroking ancient limestone blocks and inhaling the intoxicating scent of the bay and pine trees. As the valley unfolds we see the jewel of the Mediterranean inviting us in, those who Focused in the water experienced a womb like holding.

Our group settled on Olympos beach, overlooked by the magnificent 2650m Tahtali Mountain. I feel that her vast maternal presence is guardian to this magical valley. Like the turtles that lay here, we nestled into the sand and inevitably a conversation around Focusing ensued. It seemed like our Turkish friends were experiencing the alchemy of Focusing. Questions arose like “What if my stuff is too much for the companion to handle?” These were gateways to teaching moments and deep discussion.

Our Turkish friends threw themselves into the experience, as our time together drew to a close, this is what they shared:

Nazli: “It has given me a tool to handle my feelings, to be myself in a non-scary way.”

Sevde: “I felt a sense of mutual recognition, a way of welcoming and being welcomed”

 Setenay: “It’s an unforgettable and precious feeling.”

Didem: “Being gentle with yourself is a trendy topic but I don’t get it. I feel that everyone is improving but I’m not. Because I’m neurodivergent, I usually have to catch up. This is my way (Focusing) it is so powerful it showed me how to understand”

So what might the future of Focusing in Turkey be?

I spoke to Ceren who works for a Humanitarian Aid Organisation: “Working for the last few years with Syrian refugees, I’m always figuring out the best way to work with disadvantaged people and I got fatigued. After I learned Focusing I realised that I didn’t need to be a therapist, or offer intervention or advice”. As Gendlin said “If we had to be smart, or good, or mature, or wise, then we would probably be in trouble. Mirroring Gendlin’s words she said “just being present as a living being is enough.”

Ceren continued “This retreat of 11 people was intimate so that we all had the space to share individual experiences of our Focusing processes. It was a safe space where we felt really heard”

As she evolves as a Focusing ProfessionaI, I asked her how she dreams the future of Focusing in Turkey.

“As we returned home, this way of being has rippled out into our friendship group, it feels like we have found another way now of being present”.

She feels that Focusing is something that would be very useful in the aid organisations “My dream is to expand the training not only within humanitarian aid organizations but also to those working with disadvantaged people.

For myself I feel filled up and happy and super excited that, from a simple web search, my Focusing network of friends in Turkey will grow.

References

1. Gendlin: ‘The Primacy of Human Presence’  https://focusing.org/gendlin/docs/gol_2110.html

It’s that time of year again!

I spent many years in The Netherlands where 25 and 26 December were somewhat low key. Until around the early 2000’s when Christmas trees and Turkey’s caught on. The Dutch had a very meaningful tradition Sinta Klaas 5 and 6 December. This entailed very humble gifts and handwritten poems and Sint himself riding into town (allegedly from Spain) on a white horse.

I arrived back in the UK 9 years ago and as someone who tries to live in the ‘here and now’, I’ve wrestled with the effects, this so called ‘special day’ has on many people. How it consumes many people’s planning and conversation for about one quarter of the year!

Fast forward to 2024, I work with couples and individuals in my Counselling practice. Often in November they start to show up with a pained look. “Christmas is so much stress, it’s causing us to fight”, “my partner doesn’t want to go here/there with me”, “I just can’t decide what to do”

I listen to my clients as they sit with their distress, I desperately hold back with disclosing my opinions about the whole shabang. Disclosing is not helpful unless it has therapeutic value. I might invite a new perspective for example around choices and saying NO that are useful, which I’ve outlined below:.

Here are the top 5 common sticking points:

o   Each person is making assumptions about what the other one wants

o   Obligation is so entrenched that to make a choice is tantamount to upsetting everyone

o   Not daring to ‘do it’ differently

o   Presents !! When it becomes an obligation and you end up broke

o   Disappointment, that the planning it is not a merry process

We have some amazing insights as I invite clients to describe their own meaning of Christmas; How meaningful are their current traditions? Does it fit with who they are now? How healthy are the family relationships that they are trying to massage. This process can be revelatory, as people hear themselves speaking out loud, they begin to examine what is valid for them now.

A few perspectives which might restore some control of the runaway sleigh;

Listen to each other

We can be surprised by what we hear when we listen to our own and our partners; desires, needs and feelings about this time of year. It’s an opportunity to really get the parts that are most important to them, when we listen and understand we deepen connection. Maybe that feeling of family and Christmas trees elicits the nostalgia of cosyness and family gatherings, or the polar opposite!

Invitation not assumption

“But you know you are welcome at my Mum’s”

“We always do it like that”

How do you and your dear ones invite each other? Personally, I never feel really welcomed if I’m invited second hand or if someone is just assuming. Be clear about who is invited, your partner may well be feeling left out. The language of invitation has the effect of making someone feel valued.

Choices

Are you being dragged along by someone else? Saying YES when we mean NO, breeds resentment, not a great quality in a relationship. Can you make a choice and stand behind it?

This is where the practice of Focusing can help.

Pause with the issue, or resentment or conflict: how is your body responding? What is your internal reaction? Even though it might be a tricky, can you just be with it. This can reveal some underlying and often unheard emotions, needs or reactions. Check out my video, for a guided process

Make your own Meaning

Now you are adult, maybe it’s time to switch it up to meet your own needs. Perhaps a week off work is just the right time to clean out the cupboards or take longer walks, honour that and build the rest of it around what feels right for you, whilst considering the others involved.

I learned about the ancient traditions

It’s helped me so much by exploring what the origins of some of the traditions are, like how our ancestors tuned in to the wheel of the year. (www.TheWayoftheBuzzard.com)

When people lived more simply and communally, there was a deep understanding of the value of each season. YULE TIDE is the window between the Solstice (meaning sun stops) on 21 December until about 4 days later as  we experience the shortest, darkest days. No wonder people switch on fairy lights and adorn houses with glittery things. Traditionally people feasted together to celebrate the return of the light – a great reason to celebrate as incrementally the days become longer.

I Would love to hear your experiences and if this resonates with you.

I’m so very aware of my own addiction to digital devices. “Do I really need to know at 06:30am when the next full moon is, or what the weather will be like tomorrow”?

Can I call myself an addict? I believe so, because even though my rational mind has said NO and even taken some steps to mitigate, I still cannot willfully change a habit that I have picked up and suddenly months of habit roll into years!

Disappointed that 30 minutes of mindless scrolling had eaten in to my precious yoga time, I decided to get curious about my experience during my Focusing session with my partner today.

The Focusing process allows me to say out loud, only that which is comfortable to me, I don’t have to bare my soul. I trust my Focusing partner enough that whatever I share is stored confidentially in that space between us. Although I knew I felt ashamed of my habit I didn’t reveal this until I had checked in with what my bodies’ wisdom was saying.

Attempting willful efforts to stop wasting this time and to lessen my exposure to Electro Magnetic Frequencies (EMF’s), I am mostly now leaving my phone out of my bedroom and turning off the WIFI at night. My cat who is a bit frail tends to cry for food once it’s light. Then I might pick up my phone and go back to bed. All too easy then to switch on the data once I’m awake proper. I have limited ‘socials’ and notifications on my phone, however there is always something to check isn’t there?

Philip Shepherd (1) examines how the ‘willful approach’ in the process of change, has limited success because we are not really listening to the whole story. Like the hidden mass of an iceberg under water, Focusing allows me to connect with what’s underneath the known. This Shepherd describes as connecting to “the wholeness of the present”

During the Focusing session, I paused and let the feelings and sensations around this habit take shape. There was a dominant feeling from the willful part; ‘just don’t do it’, I stayed with this allowing it to be just as it was. Words and phrases floated up; Why? What is it that I want to know, so early in the day? Sure, I’m keen to know the order of play at Wimbledon but can’t it wait? I felt annoyance arise and it sat in my body as tightness around my arms and nose, this can seem unrelated but I just stay curious.

Then I spoke out loud “I want to do just what I want” “that sounded like a sulky teenage voice” I said. My Focusing partner helpfully reflected back that she heard an adult willful side and a more childlike part. I thanked her, this was really helpful to hear back, the split became clearer and embodied, it felt like one was on the left and one on the right. I observed this without judgement.

As I rested there with a listening ear, the younger voice expanded “I want to do exactly what I want and you’re not stopping me” followed by a memory. My father lived with a belief that people who stayed in bed were lazy. On every none-school day we’d be shouted out of bed at 8am, no other explanation given. No wonder my autonomous younger self was making a fuss! I felt a real Aha from my body around this connection with the past.

I checked back in with the adult part who just kept asking the question “WHY am I picking up my phone” and “WHAT do I actually need to know, first thing in the morning?’ I had a sense of these questions with me throughout the day.

As I close the session, I reassure all the parts that I will check in again when there is a need. A couple of days later I feel more relaxed, like there is less urgency or pressure. I know that both parts have been seen and heard without judgement and I’m staying curious to what happens next.

If this resonates, or you’re curious about how Focusing can help you

Take a look at : https://paulacharnley.com/events/

Introduction to Focusing begins 6 September, 2024 and runs for 3 Friday afternoons.

(1) Philip Shepherd Radical Wholeness (2017) North Atlantic Books

The Mother Wound

What is it?

The Mother Wound is a term used to describe messages from our mother or primary carer which we internalized during our developmental years, These messages may become ingrained as a belief about ourself for example: I’m not wanted / loved or I’m a nuisance. This can impact our behaviour throughout our life and in relationships.

So How does it happen?

As an infant human, we are completely dependent on our primary carer for a relatively long time compared to other mammals. A foal or calf can clamber to its feet almost immediately after birth, so could potentially run from danger.

An infant child has a need to feel safety by proximity to the mother both physically and emotionally. Think of the impact on post-war babies, as newborns were wheeled away to nurseries. As the Western world understand more about psychological nurturing and the need for love and care, babies are now quickly laid skin on skin with their mother. The bond created in the womb continues to develop as they immediately begin to mirror each other in an interaction that is subtle and nuanced. When baby’s calls for attention; smiling, crying, gurgling, pooing, wriggling, and protesting are attended to it feels safe.  Even with what Winnicott (1) termed ‘good-enough mothering’ where there is enough consistency and our survival needs are met, we may still internalize messages. These may become apparent to us later in life, let’s say a tendency to stay quiet or become angry.

Psychological wounding is of course deeper where there is abuse or emotional or physical neglect. This might range from a mother who is emotionally or physically absent, one who is cold and distant, or under pressure to care for more children or to bring in income. A mother may be struggling herself with mental health issues or loss. Sherry Gaba (2) suggests that wounding may manifest as a lack of self worth or co-dependency.  Which can lead to an inability to form relationships due to lack of trust or expressing people pleasing behaviors in an attempt to be liked and accepted.

The attachment bond is key

If we are securely attached in infancy and receive adequate love and nurturing, we tend to find adult relationships easier. When insecurely attached we maybe always looking for security and come across as anxious, needy or looking for someone to complete us. When we had to buckle up as a baby and take care of many of our own needs, we may have developed avoidant attachment which makes it difficult to commit to a relationship. Attachment theory is worth exploring in more depth, if you’d like to learn more about how it affects your adult relationships I recommend ‘Attached’ by Levine and Heller (3)

So, what can we do about The Mother Wound?

We cannot change the past but by becoming aware of the drivers in our behaviour we can take steps to heal these gaps in our development. As we make the link between current behaviours which hold us back, we start to ask the question Is this serving me? Or am I suffering?

My Experience

Born in the 1960’s I feel that I was a product of ‘let them cry to toughen them up” childcare. This could have resulted in a level of independence, which has both served me and at times prevented me from reaching out for support. Born as third child into a catholic family with 2 elder sisters, another early internalized message may have been “I should have been a boy”. I can’t be 100% certain but I did spend my childhood as a tomboy falling out of trees. I’m grateful that it has also served me as I can wield a sander and still love to climb trees!

Where did our mother learn to be a mother?

Like animals we have an innate mechanism to care for offspring. However, our psychological make up means that we carry imprints of Ancestral Trauma. Our mother is from a line of mothers, who may have had less than perfect mothering. Dale Kushner (4) discusses the effects of war, poverty and displacement even within our recent past. On the other-hand, privilege could have seen us handed over to a Nanny or sent off to boarding school. Tara Brach (5) writes of these fears, insecurities and longings that can inhabit generations.

How do we heal it

Fortunately, there is more awareness of these impacts and mothers are taking steps to heal themselves. We might start by journalling or meditating on what we find. Personally, being in Psychotherapy educated me about the areas in which I was struggling. I learned the skill of Self Compassion which Dr. Kristin Neff (6) says, can take time depending on the extent of wounding.

David Wallin (7) says that working with a professional therapist is key to learning about healthy attachment bonds and how to form a secure relationship. In therapy we feel validated in our own experience, we begin to trust ourself in relationship with another and practice this in our wider world.  We learn to be the parent to our own inner child says John Bradshaw, (8) meeting the needs in our present that weren’t met in the past.

Alongside Psychotherapy and Self Study, Focusing has been my practice for managing this journey, it enables me to attend to all the emotions that rise up. Focusing shows us how to turn towards and acknowledge what is there. We take time just to be with it and stay curious, listening to all that it might wish to share. As we return again and again, we can work the through layers. Ann Weiser Cornell (9) describes this process.   (Focusing Resources)

Connect with Paula

Paula offers Psychotherapy and Focusing sessions and Focusing Training.

I would love to receive your comments if that has touched you in any way info@paulacharnley.com

Listen here to an interview with Paula talking about the Mother Wound

Join me for a free online session 24 november, 2023, where we will explore ‘The Mother Wound’ through the lens of Focusing:

Register here: https://calendly.com/paulacharnley/a-taste-of-focusing-nov

References:

1. Donald Winnicottin Wedge:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/suffer-the-children/201605/what-is-good-enough-mother
2. Sherry GABA : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201910/the-mother-wound
3. A Levine & R Heller : https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888-attached
4. Dale Kushner: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/transcending-the-past/202202/recognizing-and-healing-inherited-trauma
5. https://www.tarabrach.com/growing-up-unworthy-2/?cn-reloaded=1
6. Kristin Neff. ( https://www.momwell.com/blog/the-self-compassionate-mother)
7. David Wallin : https://www.psychotherapy.net/interview/david-wallin
8. John Bradshaw: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12124.Homecoming
9. https://focusingresources.com/2021/05/05/focusing-tip-751-i-carry-so-much-wounding-from-how-my-parents-treated-me/

Imposter Syndrome (I.S.)

What is it?

It’s a feeling, an emotion or a reaction, It was first researched in the 1970’ s by Clance and Imes (1). Although they found that it occurred often in high achieving women, it can happen to just about anyone.

It is felt at a physical/emotional level in symptoms such as anxiety, panic and sleeplessness. We are also prone to strong feelings of self-doubt, or feeling like a fraud or any of the 4 P’s: perfectionism, procrastination, paralysis or people pleasing (2). On the horizon of our life, it can hold us back from fulfilling our dreams and aspirations.

It often occurs in situations where we actually have achieved, for example we got a promotion, we’re teaching a class, or have received an accolade.

What causes the feelings?

Fear seems to be a driver, in varying degrees. The fear of exposing ourselves, fear of being seen, being big-headed, making a mistake, looking stupid. Imagining that someone will lift the veil and see that you are nervous as you taking your novice steps, in my case as a teacher or public speaker.

It’s common amongst yoga teachers, perhaps it’s because we carry 4000 years of tradition on our shoulders and we don’t want to get it wrong.  Even as an experienced yoga teacher, my doubts would still take hold; ‘I’ll go blank’, “I’ll make a fool of myself’ it happened especially when I was teaching something new. As an antidote, I was always aware that a beautiful guided relaxation could rescue almost any situation.

I.S. can be a product of old belief systems from childhood or family norms; “children should be seen and not heard”, “don’t show off”.  A child who is not praised for best effort might hold on to an internalized message that they must always strive to do better. Our inner critic starts to party, goading us with ‘who do you think you are?’, ‘any moment now they’ll realise I don’t know’ What are the messages from your own inner critic?

“Everyone experiences Imposterism (as it’s also known)”, says Jordan Peterson (3). “Because when you take a step into a new arena, you are in that moment an imposter”. You have to begin somewhere and build experience but are there tools that can help?

So, what can we do about it?

Brene Brown (4) in her book Daring Greatly (2015), invites us to be courageous; to show up and let ourselves be seen. I recognize this, I’ve gritted my teeth and pushed myself out of my comfort zone and continue to do so as I know it’s the only way to grow. I agree with Susan Weinschenk (5) who says it’s important to have practices that keep you centred and grounded. My regular Meditation, Yoga support me with my wobbles and when I’m on a new or bigger stage a drop of Bach’s Rescue Remedy comes along too. Focusing is a practice that I teach and turn to in my own life to deal with any emotions, situations or feelings that need my attention. Ann Weiser Cornell (6) describes how we might explore Imposter Syndrome through the lens of Focusing.

What else can you do?

Ellen Hendriksen (7) suggests “remind yourself often of your achievements, work with a mentor or share your concerns with a friend”. A mantra or affirmation helps me to ground and divert my inner critic, I might say to myself: “if my audience learns just one gem today, it’s worth it” or I wonder if any of my audience might be feeling like an imposter today? I have learned that people respond to authenticity, so it’s ok just to be me and I can love myself too even if I make a mistake.

Join me for a free online session where we will explore Imposter Syndrome through the lens of Focusing:

Register here: https://calendly.com/paulacharnley/taste_of_focusing

References:

1. Clance, PR / Imes, SA https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1979-26502-001
2. 4 Ps https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/imposter-syndrome
3. Jordan Peterson https://youtu.be/6lXopPeqiBM?si=xMEhQ8qIMRLE7YFE
4. Brene Brown: Daring Greatly (Penguin Life, 2015)
5. Susan Weinschenk Ph.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-wise/201803/have-you-experienced-the-imposter-syndrome
6. Ann Weiser Cornell https://focusingresources.com/2018/01/12/how-to-be-a-perfect-imposter/
7. Ellen Hendriksen PHD Psych (2017) Ellen Hendriksen https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-to-be-yourself/201708/nine-ways-to-fight-impostor-syndrome

Going with the Flow, is it serving you?

“I’m really easy going” is something that I hear quite often in Counselling sessions. Yet it hasn’t delivered the positive and easy life that might be expected. It often comes up from one partner in Couples Counselling when the relationship has reached a crisis point and they have reached out to me for support.

Some of the scenarios described are; “I just go with the flow, whatever he/she wants”, “I don’t mind that I don’t get any time for myself” or “I just watch what my wife wants to watch on the TV even though it’s not really my thing”.

The always easy-going persona suggests surrender, laying down, becoming a doormat. Sooner or later going with the flow is accompanied by an empty feeling, which we might try to fill up with addictions or busyness. This is the opposite of the healthy ‘Flow’ which Csikszentmihalyi defined as being at one with everything or Peak Experience.

In a relationship always going with the flow, places us in a disempowered position, it can feel like we just don’t matter. In my own experience this manifested in relationships as not speaking up, or voicing my opinion. My ‘Felt Sense’ or embodied experience, of those situations was awkwardness, tension, anger, frustration and resentment. Like a pressure cooker needing to let off steam, when this erupted it was often conflictual.

Psychotherapy, Focusing, reading, yoga, and other embodied practices, raised my awareness and helped me to connect with a healthier personal power. Although I do feel that I’ll need to be aware of it lifelong as it was a deeply ingrained pattern from my developmental years.  These are three of my 3 key learnings, which I’ll discuss in more detail below.

1. Developing healthy boundaries
2. Developing an awareness of my own psychological needs
3. Attending to the Fawn response

1. Developing healthy boundaries

To speak up, have an opinion, stand your ground or pushback, can feel risky. We feel that it may come at a cost, what if my partner gets mad or rejects me? Often there is an inbalance that has been neglected:  “I’m working 50 hours a week with no time for a hobby, whilst my wife gets to see her friends twice a week”. It’s about being brave, having the conversations that lead to connection and listening. Pete Walker (1) says “Boundaries are about protecting something that is important to us” in this case our time for rest and relaxation. When we continually give in, we lose our own sense of identity.

A change of habits begins with awareness. Notice how you feel, the next time you say yes when internally it’s a NO. Psychotherapy woke me up to the concept that having boundaries is a strength. Focusing  helped me further to turn towards these feelings and help to know how to manage them. Non Violent Communication (NVC) is a skill which helps you to develop healthy boundaries, check this video about boundaries from Marianne Cup of Empathy

2.Developing an awareness of our own psychological needs

In developmental stages of childhood our needs can get shut down. Let’s say our mother has a lot of children or is not emotionally responsive to us. When our needs for example for comfort or reassurance are not met, we begin to adapt, to swallow our needs, so that we fit in to our environment. We internalize the message that our needs are not important, so we become the people pleaser, the one who takes care of others, we might judge our needs as being too needy and therefore stifle them.

A common need that goes unmet between couples, is that of having time for our own interests. Couples arrive in Counselling having invested a lot of time being a family and neglecting a key ingredient that makes them feel alive for example hobbies or time with friends.

I remember when learning NVC that I discovered a way to ask for personal space. For example, at a family event explaining to my partner that I was just going to take a walk for an hour. When the other person is not left guessing about your emotional state it’s much easier for them to cope with. It feels empowering to make a choice that meets our need.

Identifying our feelings and needs is a foundation of NVC, take a look at this from Marshall Rozenberg

As we practice tuning in to our needs it becomes easier to react in the moment. Focusing shows us how to tune in to the ‘Felt Sense’ Let’s say I’ve had a long day at work and I’m invited out. I pause with that, how does my body respond, there is an internal knowing and maybe the ‘stay home and rest’ answer feels just right’. This is a clip from Ann Weiser Cornell which describes learning to attune to our needs.

3.Fawn response

Alarm bells ring when I hear one part of a couple say; ‘I just went along with it’ ‘I don’t do anything for myself’ I consider whether this is the Fawn response with which Pete Walker expanded the Fight, Flight and Flee responses to fear and trauma. When a child feels its safety is in danger it has to develop adaptive behaviour in an attempt to continue meeting its basic needs. The Fawn response describes the smiley, pleasing always agreeable no matter the circumstances persona. This develops into a non-authentic self as we fawn around other people and often deny our own needs, like the need to be able to say no. Pete Walker says his fawning pattern was so ingrained that he would say ‘sorry’ to an inanimate object as he bumped into it. My mother positively encouraged my Fawn response ‘Just humour him’ so as not to upset my father, she was invested in keeping the peace at all costs.

Working with a psychotherapist helps to create a safe environment in which we can explore our patterns of behaviour. With psychological reflection and commitment, we are able to transform the Fawn response, so that we may develop healthy boundaries, assert our needs whilst still being able to care for others.

Easy going-ness is a very broad subject and touches on many psychological threads. I have addressed just 3 possibilities:  Developing healthy boundaries, Being aware of your own needs and The Fawn response. I’ve talked about how it impacted my life and how I believed that change was possible. I’ve mentioned just some of the skills which have helped me maintain an ability to go with the flow whilst attending to my needs, create healthy boundaries and notice when I may not be showing up as the authentic me.

I’d love to hear your thoughts & feelings on this, feel free to comment below

If any of this resonates with you and you would like to work with me there are several options:

Book a 1 to 1 Counselling or Focusing Session

Attend my Introductory Level Focusing Course

Register for a free ‘Taste of Focusing Session’

Book here

Watch my Focusing Videos

Access my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/PaulaCharnleyEmbodiedTransformation

Email me : info@paulacharnley.com

Check out upcoming events www.paulacharnley.com

References

Pete Walker : Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving (2013)

It makes me smile when I think about my dear cat Yildiz having her own Zoom Consultation last week. Though I mostly did the talking for her, she did make an appearance. She’s had some health issues for about a year; more recently it’s been excessive urinating & drinking, she’s also less active and seems a bit miserable. Our local vets who have been very kind and helpful, diagnosed her with diabetes due to high blood sugar. I’m also trialing the raw food option especially for cats i.e more protein and less carbs which cats don’t need. The local vet finally suggested injecting insulin twice a day, possibly for the rest of her life! Now anyone who knows my Yildiz, who I rarely pick up as she wriggles and scratches, knows that this is probably not going to work for us.

I’m a holistic therapist and I’ve been helped greatly by the Functional Medicine approach so I did a search for a holistic vet.  I have had excellent benefits from homeopathic remedies myself; Arnica for cuts, bruises & to release the shock of an accident. For example I recently broke my little toe, swallowed some Homeopathic Arnica capsules for 24 hours, after which my toe was well on its healing way. Although Arnica is widely for sale in the UK, it seems its healing powers are a well-kept secret. Other standards in my healing kit; Calendula for wounds and Echinacea to boost my immune system. Consultations with my own homeopath helped me to quickly recover from a Thyroid imbalance during the hot summer of 2018 and to recover from the shock and grief after losing a job in 2020. Each homeopathic consultation is like going on a journey, taking into account the whole or holistic life picture this includes current stresses, worries, changes and environment. It is used widely for animals and is found to be effective, they can’t turn around & say “pawh, it’s just the placebo effect”.

A search led me to holistic vet Vicky – she’s a busy professional, I had to wait 6 weeks for our consultation. Vicky unpicked my cat’s story. She explored: behaviours, timelines, & personality. I realized Yildiz & I are somewhat alike: she’s independent, knows what she likes, and can be spiky oh yes and a bit lazy but after all she is a cat. Vicky also explored grief and separation as possible causes of distress due to my absences.

A  homeopathy consultation usually comes with an extra bonus; that’s the remedy that is carefully selected as the therapist interprets the complete picture. Yildiz takes the drops of liquid in her water, I’m  monitoring changes and will feedback to Vicky, first signs indicate that she seemed a little perkier.

I’d love to hear  your experiences of homeopathic remedies that you use or your experience with homeopathy & your pets. Share your comments below.

Focusing is a natural phenomenon that we experience if we give ourself time to pause in the moment.

Eugene Gendlin, Philosopher and Psychologist noticed this pause  or sensing into during his research  in the late 1950’s. Those people that had more lasting effect from Therapy instinctively took the time to feel or sense into their body to find the description that fitted in that moment. This was my experience too & why I continue to use Focusing in my daily life.

”  If you go there with your awareness and stay there or return there, that is all it needs; it will do the rest for itself… it needs you there, and that is all it needs.” Eugene Gendlin 

In my Focusing course I teach the steps which you can practice on your own or together with a Focusing Partner.

The process guides you towards pausing, developing an inner listening, become familiar with the ‘Felt Sense’ of just what is there in the moment and inviting it just to be, or to express what it needs to. This is  a really useful and embodied method to manage emotions, physical pain or past trauma without being overwhelmed by it.

Take Anxiety as  an example, someone sitting in front of me may describe ‘My Anxiety’ this is their familiar labelling, pattern, habitual way of thinking. Let’s be with that in a fresh way & see what we notice. Very often they will really feel the sensations , at the very least a churning stomach & restlessness. This brings so much more information than simply a label which the mind has decided upon. As we stay with the Focusing process, we may feel those sensations transform and at least we have developed a way to listen deeper.

” A felt sense is a freshly forming wholistic sense of a situation that has a ‘more than words can say quality to it ”  Ann Weiser Cornell

Do you want to learn Focusing?

check out my events page or book now:  https://calendly.com/paulacharnley/introduction-to-focusing-level-1-online

Embodied Transformation

This phrase speaks to me from my own experience.

I first began practicing yoga in the late 90’s. Slowly I became more aware how yoga affected me. It wasn’t a supple body or sense of calm, it was more like a revelation of what my physical body was capable of and how this positively affected my mind. At the start as I dipped my toe in, I realised that just 10 minutes of yoga in the morning gave me a feeling of well being the whole day long.

In the early 2000’s I began having Psychotherapy, it was the therapists who used a mind body approach that came along on my path. They encouraged me to sense into a situation, an old story or experience. Yes! I said I can feel it, perhaps it was a tightening in the throat as I remembered how my voice had been stunted in my teenage years.

I realised that the practices I was drawn to Kripalu Yoga in which I certified as a teacher in 2003, Focusing and Movement Shiatsu They all have something in common, there is permission to remain with what is there, not to judge, to explore and maybe to invite what is needed.

From there the phrase Embodied Transformation encompasses my own transformation and when working with others. As Eugene Gendlin discovered when the feeling or thought was grounded in a Felt Sense , there was more opportunity for any change to become embodied.

Embodiment isn’t about sitting in the head and paying attention to the part of you we call the body—it’s about fully inhabiting the intelligence of the body and attuning to the world through it. ( Philip Shepherd)